moar radical love!

"To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget."
- Arundhati Roy

a.m. epiphany: radical love

so i finally got it. after months and years of reading folks like bell hooks, assata shakur and audre lorde and woc bloggers (check my links)

something about this post by the amazing brownfemipower
and where i was at at the time
and where im at right now
made it soooooo clear.

radical love
=
i am so deeply invested in your existence and your survival that i will do everything in my power to ensure that not only through you survive, you thrive
. . . regardless of whether or not i like you (at the time).

first.
there is a real difference between reading/seeing/hearing/experiencing something and understanding it, and reading/seeing/hearing/experiencing something and *getting it.*

bfp has been writing about this for some time, as have many others
and i've been understanding it
but for some reason
(which i will delve into later)
i didn't *get it* till very early this morning
when i was up for whatever godforsaken reason and perusing the interwebs.


second.
how fucking AWESOME is that?

and i mean that literally i was filled with awe
and just sat there

it's how we strengthen communities. it's how we build something that lasts.

it's how we get down to the heart of the matter. to what's really important.

in the comments, bfp uses the example of seeing a woman who you don't particularly like walking along the side of the road after being left there by her partner.
radical love demands (or, it *could* demand) that you assist her in some way. even if it's just getting her to a gas station.

i dunno that just made so much sense to me.

especially after the past week or so
which has included, gosh
the specifics entail a whole nother post
but suffice it to say
it made a lot of the things that i've done lately
and that other people have done
a whole lot clearer.

i dunno.
i'm still reeling. and excited.

and it's powerful because it recognizes that radically loving someone is greater, and bigger
than what they did to you this morning
or last week
or that one time

there's this quote about courage that i may be paraphrasing a bit.
courage is not the absence of fear, but the knowledge that something is more important than fear.

i think the same can be said about radical love.

i am committed to your survival, regardless of whether or not i like you. at this present moment, or ever.
because my existance, my survival is inorexibly tied to yours.
because if you survive, i survive.
if you thrive, i thrive.
because we will be looking after each other.

now. this is not about being a doormat.
this is not, im going to keep doing x for you while you rape me, beat my children, take my money, etc.
i think (and i suppose i should preface all of this with "i think," because that's all it is, is me thinking, no absolutes i suppose) that radical love is about loving yourself
learning to value yourself, unlearning those things which teach you otherwise
and learning to value others, again whether or not you like them.
and moving to exclude those things, people, institutions
that do not value us or our community.

so
(i think) radical love is not sitting around a campfire holding hands
it's NOT postracial
it's not a decontextualized "kuum bye ya ya"

(i think) it IS opening your home to folks that may have your family and friends bein like, well why the hell you doin that for
it is helping someone move/making a call/cooking meals/babysitting/driving/getting up early/staying up late/writing a letter/etc. when you'd rather be sleep or be on facebook
it is talking when you'd rather be quiet or shutting up when you'd rather speak and taking the time to learn which is appropriate when
it is saying i'm sorry
it is saying you should apologize
it is saying even though i don't agree you have a right
it is demanding accountability
it is saying no, im not gonna do that right now. or ever
it is saying no, i can't
it is saying no, you can't do that to me or my people
it's saying yes i will hold her
yes you can keep it
yes, and dont worry about paying me back
yes to i
yes to we
yes to us
yes to us being here and, if we so desire, remaining here

you know?

p.s. and i should explicitly add, that i am not the first person to put any of this forth. if you want to learn more, check the links and the folks i name up top. this is just me working through this after having finally wrapped my head around this concept.

madness to magnet pt. 2

something ive become more interested in over the past year is mental health and black folks.

that is, the former of the latter.

more specifically, the intersection of madness and blackness.

and madness as both
that "im going fucking crazy" you get from dealing with everyday stresses
bills traffic and alla that

and madness like mental illnesses
like depression, eating disorders
self-mutilation
suicide

and where the line blurs between the two
and how they are exacerbated and/or facilitated both by BEING black
and by NOTIONS of blackness


for example
many of us gotta deal with the everyday stress of getting home post-work, post-school, post-errands or what have you
gotta deal with the stresses of bad drivers or slow trains or long walks or detours or other ppl

and im interested in things like
how is that stress compounded
by me dealing wit all that stress as i try to get home
home, which ideally should be a place of safety, rest, healing, goodness
and i finally get on my street
and the first thing i (always) see is a rebel flag hanging from my neighbor's house

to say nothing of those colored folks who homes aren't safe due to things like the multiple forms of violence, lack or location
and how when it comes to shit like that being colored and having to live life so isn't a coincidence

when going "home" becomes a daily exercise in fear, anxiety, and anger
how does "going home" tie into madness?

so there's ^ that.



then there's
the upperclassmen who shot himself in the head a few weeks ago at my school
who was a young black man
and the 11-year-old who hung himself because he was being taunted with anti-gay slurs
(and someone PLEASE run their mouth to me again bout how "no homo" aint homophobic???? or damaging to both self and community???)
and how the rates for suicide in black men have jumped so high over the years*

and especially wit the 11 yr-old it's like the first response is
HOW was suicide even an option
for someone so young
which then of course leads to the question how is suicide an option for anyone
ESPECIALLY for black men and women

who are supposed to be so strong
thuggin/"strapping young bucks"
bitchin
angry

im interested in how the historic construction of blackness
including the counter-constructions that formed as a way to combat the dominant narrative(s)
at the same time as they contribute to madness
have not left any room in our lives for madness
for pain
(see how apparently, stats on rates of depression in african american women are almost nonexistent)
shortness of breath
needing to sit down for a moment
needing to lower yr chin
for something other than prayer
just for a moment

so when these moments occur
it's like
yr not only failing personally
but also in terms of your identity
in terms of your blackness

i mean think of say, girl interrupted (both the book and the movie)

and really the movie is a perfect example because the only space made for black ppl black wmn specifically is the role of mammy, caregiver. it's completely unimaginable that mammy might me mental, might need help herself
although ooh the bell jar is a good example too cause at one point sylvia plath while she's in the institution kicks the black janitor, and i think that might have been the only reference made to blk ppl in the book, definitely in the part dealing with the institution
so we can take care of folks, we can be blank page you scribble on as they figure out their lives (shit edna st. vincent millay called her journal "Ole Mammy Hush Chile") we can be folks scapegoats and punching bags, we can be the one that sylvia plath kicks and winona ryder and her band of "troubled" youngwhitewomen simultaneously lean on/give shit to

but we can't be the ones
in the institution
on the therapist's couch
leanin on someone
getting help



and im not saying that being in the institution should be a goal or anything

im just wondering what madness-NOT-as-an-option
especially madness-NOT-as-an-option tied into WHO YOU ARE
has to do with the development of madness
and i guess more importantly, the RECOGNITION
and TREATMENT
of madness.



mmkay, looks like there's gonna be a part 3. lol. in which i WILL get back to kid cudi and crew and link all this together. hopefully it'll all make sense.



*and look at the first comment. my point exactly. madness, illness not recognized as anything other than a cop out. and now that we got what once would have been called a member of the talented tenth in office, there apparently is no reason for a youngblackman to feel bad/suicidal.

madness to magnet

besides the subtle to overt use of autotune, what do this:



this:



and this (sorry no official video for this song):



all have in common?

ding ding ding **black men in pain** ding ding ding!


so
i dont know if it's due to the recession
the general hard times
the advent of so-called hipster rap (imo this prob has the most to do with it)

but suddenly it seems like there are all these.....well, maybe not all these
but there are a definite handful of (black male) rappers
who are rhyming about being scared
alone
lonely
lost
vulnerable

who are in other words
subtly challenging
the popular construction of black masculinity
and the historic continuum of "THIS is what a black man IS"


am i the only person who finds this incredibly exciting?

to put it in some sort of context
it's not like there's not a precedent for it
or that kid cudi and co. are the first to rap about, you know, being HUMAN
Black Star (mos def + talib kweli) perfectly captured their pensive mood in the classic Respiration:
"so much on my mind i just can't recline/blasted hole in the night till she bled sunshine"

and way back when the immortal LL Cool J (and i mean that literally, that mf'r hasn't aged a day since 1987) was tellin us I Need Love:
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy


but these newer songs to me seem different because generally speaking
in mainstream hip hop these admissions of vulnerability seem the exception rather than the rule
and space is made for them when they address say, a deceased friend
or in the case of LL, an acceptable longing for the company of a pretty girl

but to rap about alienation and despair that's unrelated to someone dying
(or maybe it is, but not obviously so)
and to be like yeah, this girl hurt me, hurt me real bad
as opposed to, you know, "i fuck em love em leave em cause i dont fuckin need em"
- which we're far more accustomed to -
and not only for one rapper to do that
but for multiple rappers to do that

and, most importantly, for it to be mainstream
(all these songs within the past 6 months have been plastered all over top 40)

something's a-shift here.

(to be cont'd........)

lucille clifton, "sorrows"

who would believe them winged
who would believe they could be

beautiful who would believe
they could fall so in love with mortals

that they would attach themselves
as scars attach and ride the skin

sometimes we hear them in our dreams
rattling their skulls clicking

their bony fingers
they have heard me beseeching

as i whispered into my own
cupped hands enough not me again

but who can distinguish
one human voice

amid such choruses
of desire

feel.

intellectualizing/thinking about/exploring/examining/critiquing/understanding pain is so difficult when it's so present

when yr in the midst of it

when it slams into your chest AGAIN

so difficult to understand it "objectively"

and link it to larger processes that may have something to do with why you're feeling this way

shit it's difficult to do anything but FEEL

and FEEL

and FEEL


but there's something beyond that
there are many things beyond that
that's what ive been thinking about
and reaching towards
in the brief interims between FEELING
so i guess im saying that's what's coming next.

quick share

the beautiful cree summers.